New.

New. (adj): not existing before; made, introduced or discovered recently or now for the first time…already existing but seen, experienced, or acquired recently or now for the first time.

2020. A new year, a new decade, a new opportunity, newness altogether.

Each year, I ask God to give me a word and a scripture for the year so that I can know what to focus on especially when things don’t look the way I think they should. And every time, He has delivered. On January 6, 2020, God gave me my word for 2020 – new. The scripture He pointed me to was Isaiah 43:19, specifically where He says “For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?” On January 8, 2020, I experienced a newness like no other—the birth of my son, Zion.

Zion gave me a run for my money during pregnancy. So much so that I was praying that he would make his way into this world on December 19, 2019. He didn’t. Instead, pregnancy got worst: it hurt to walk, I got super sick, I was having back labor, it felt like everything I ate was making me nauseous, vomiting in the shower felt like a norm, I was having extreme hot flashes and much more. I was in so much pain that I scheduled a doctor’s appointment for January 7th and asked my doctor to induce me the next day. We scheduled the induction for January 8th at 6am. Well, my sweet boy already has his mother’s personality and at 2am he woke me up in my sleep and said, “Y’all told me to come on January 8th, I’m coming! What y’all trippen for?!” (at least that’s what I felt like he said lol).

Fast forward 12 hours and 22 minutes later, Zion entered this world. The plan was for his cord to be delayed in clamping and for us to have immediate skin to skin. But, a few minutes into my pushing, the doctor let me know that more doctors were going to come into the room to check on Zion. Of course, I didn’t understand the severity of this because I was too busy trying to focus on breathing in between contractions (I had an upper respiratory infection during labor so pushing meant I couldn’t breathe at all). So, when I felt the relief of Zion coming out of my womb and saw them take him immediately, it felt like my life stopped, everything happened in slow motion.

My baby got stuck. He inhaled meconium. He was stressed. And therefore, the doctors were afraid his right shoulder was broken and/or nerves destroyed, he was being tachypneic, and later we found out he was losing oxygen to the point of d-satting. That automatically sent him to the NICU. I told God before Zion was born that I would go into his birth with open arms ready to learn whatever it is that He wanted me to learn and ultimately wanting Him to create a story that would bring Him glory. I never imagined this story. I never imagined seeing my 12-hour-old son being taken from me at 2am the next morning because they couldn’t get him to slow down his breathing. I never imagined seeing a tube down my son’s nose because they couldn’t get him to calm down to eat. I never imagined seeing my son being poked with needles numerous times for blood work every 3 hours. I never imagined seeing him hooked up to machines that with every “ding” would cause me to hold my breath. I never imagined this.

And to be honest, I wasn’t the woman of faith I want to be able to say I was. In the beginning I stood firm on God’s word and declared and decreed that Zion would be released from the NICU in three days! But, when that third day came and went, my faith diminished. The doctors were adding 3 days to every d-sat Zion had. Depending on the nurse on call would depend on the information we would receive. It felt like any second of the day we would be told, “I’m sorry to inform you but he has to say another 3 days.” I was afraid. I was angry. I was frustrated. I was drowning in doubt. I questioned God. I was angry at God.

On Zion’s 7th day of life, I was in the shower crying out to God, telling Him how angry I was at Him and how I didn’t understand why this was happening. I told Him that I was irritated with the doctors who kept telling me “it takes time” instead of giving me a set day on when he would be released. I was frustrated that depending on the nurse/doctor on call depended on what would happen to my child. The Holy Spirit up until that point was so gracious in that He allowed me to vent, but immediately stopped me in my tracks and said, “well good thing you serve a doctor that’s always on call.”

Silence. What do you say to that? How do you combat that? I was shell shocked. And then I said: God, please help me in my unbelief.

The next day, the 8th day of Zion’s life, was the first day he didn’t d-sat or suffer from tachypnea. He experienced a miracle in just one night.

God answered. And if I'm honest, my emotions didn't. I still held my breath. I told my friends and husband that I didn't want to celebrate for fear of getting another bad doctors report. Despite my unfaithfulness, God still showed Himself faithful. In my unbelief, God still showed me He was the doctor that was always on call. In my moment of doubt and crying my eyes out in the shower, God was in the hospital bed with my son performing the miracle.

New.

Zion was born on the 8th.

The number 8 represents a new beginning/creation.

My word for this year is new.

God is so sweet that He prepared me for this even when I didn’t see it. He was carrying me through this process when I didn’t even realize it. He sent my husband to be by my side to be my strength and positivity when I was weak and negative. My husband was actually the one who said (on day 6), “imagine what God can do on day 8” to which I responded with a sarcastic “hmph” because I didn’t even have words to his extravagant faith. But God was in the waiting the entire time.

I share Zion’s story because I wanted to share my lack of faith, my anger, my frustrations and let you know that it’s okay to have those emotions. It’s okay to struggle with doubt and unbelief. I know many of us have been told that it’s not and therefore when these emotions come up we don’t know what to do with them. Can I encourage you to share them with God? He can handle it. He’s not asking you to be picture perfect. He’s not even asking you to fake being okay. He’s asking you to simply come to Him.

"Are you weary, carrying a heavy burden? Then come to me. I will refresh your life, for I am your oasis. Simply join your life with mine. Learn my ways and you'll discover that I am gentle, humble, easy to please. You will find refreshment and rest in me. For all that I require of you will be pleasant and easy to bear." Matthew 11:28-30 TPT

Whatever mountain you’re facing that seems to be too steep to climb, too grounded to move; whatever diagnosis you’ve been given that seems impossible to heal; whatever loss you’re dealing with that seems too heavy to carry; whatever prayer seems too big to pray for; whatever it is—know that He is there in the midst of it all. He’s not asking you to “do the thing” or even “be the person,” He’s wanting you to rest in Him. He’s wanting you to bring all your worries, emotions, cares, tears to Him.

It may not come in the time, way, route, package or outcome you so desire, but just know it's coming. As cliche as it sounds, God knows what's best for us. He knows because He sees all, knows what's coming ahead, and knows how it all ends. The waiting game will not be easy. Quite frankly, I don't think anyone wants to be in the waiting, but it's necessary. It's necessary because in the waiting you discover truths about yourself, find out a little bit more of God's character, and get to hold the hand of the one who will NEVER let go.

Keep pressing in. Your new is coming.